As a school psychologist, part of my job responsibility is to evaluate and assess children’s strengths and weaknesses in order to optimize their learning. One of the most challenging parts of this job for me is making my work meaningful in a way that promotes success and actually helps children/families on an authentic level. Like any career, the perspective and daily choices you make provide the professional you become. (“A cook does not make a chef”) A continuous goal of mine in my career (and in life in general) is to address/identify each problem in a way that is meaningful, but more importantly hopeful and inspiring.
This morning as I drove to work I got to thinking about flaws. I work in an environment where it is very easy to focus on flaws and mistakes. In the past two months I have written report after report identifying problems. Sometimes it feels like a big responsibility to be the “professional” telling a parent/teacher/child what things they need to work on. While I do think it is important to constantly work on ourselves and to strive for growth, I also think there is already enough internal negative dialogue where we beat ourselves up for our flaws that it is not necessary for another person to reinforce those same thoughts. As a rule, each time I work with a child I strive to find strengths, and as I write reports I try my best to speak in a way that embraces growth, not disability. I realize that the way we think and form our words have a residual impact on others. This is something I constantly have to remind myself before I work with a child or do a write-up because my main objective is to help and encourage others to make the best of what they have.
It’s a humbling experience working in a school because it gives you perspective that goes beyond age. Working with teachers and talking to parents makes me think about my own childhood and also what things were said about me when I was younger. As adults sometimes we think we know best, but working with children constantly reminds me that we don’t. The saddest thing is when an “adult” tells another adult or worse a child that if they continue to go in the direction they are going in, they are headed for failure. That they need to work on their weaknesses in order to become more successful. In other words, creating negative feelings of anxiety, discouragement and helplessness. Wouldn't it be great if instead we were taught to embrace our flaws and mistakes? Haven’t there been countless discoveries made that way? Maybe if each one of us focused on better nurturing and understanding our flaws, we would have better success at moving humankind forward by utilizing the talents and abilities that we each naturally possess, rather than let those abilities lie dormant and unexpressed. What a waste!
Some thoughts I have been having about flaws and mistakes:
1)What you consider a flaw in yourself another person looks at and envies. (Examples: you hate your curly hair but a friend wishes their pin-straight hair would hold curls; you wish were that you were more outspoken, yet another person wishes they could be as composed as you; you are described as being impulsive or stubborn, others wish they were as strong willed). We might as well embrace our flaws because one day it might go away and we will wish it back. Look at Madonna, instead of changing herself, she has embraced the infamous space between her teeth and it has become a trademark.
2)“Certain flaws are necessary for the whole, it would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks”-Goethe. How true is that? Some of my favorite things about my family/friends are their idiosyncrasies. For example: one friend always makes up her own words to express how she feels. She says “Baklava” and “stinkaroonies” when she makes a mistake. This is the number one thing I love most about her and I can’t imagine if this was something she let go of.
3)Flaws remind you that you can’t have it all. This is a great reminder that a) we should be humble and aim for growth and b) the world wouldn’t go around if we each had it all.
4)Mistakes make the best memories. I am so thankful for my flaw of mixing up my words. One time in college I tried to say “Lady in red” and after many failed attempts (Lazy in lead, rady in zed, lady in bed, etc) my friends were in hysterics. It was unintentional but to this day that is a day that is engrained in my memory and I look back on it fondly.
5)Sometimes flaws or mistakes make the best discoveries. (visit: http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/galleries/2010/08/31/famous-accidental-discoveries.html)
Aw, Ayda, that's such a sweet post. It's true that our society is always bent on eradicating our flaws, and since that's caused so many difficulties it's wonderful that you're focusing on celebrating our differences and how our quirks translate into the broader spectrum. I mean, if Goethe wasn't quirky enough to recognize how essential differences between individuals are then we wouldn't have any of his poetry!
ReplyDeletewe should celebrate only the quirks that we can't change.. i.e. will smith's big ears
ReplyDeleteI do think we should strive to correct our weaknesses though.. lots of kids these days are brought up with the mindset that everyone is special. At little league games, everyone gets a trophy now, not just the winning team. What this has created is an entitled generation and a country that celebrates mediocrity.
As tough as my parents were on everything I did, it helped me to develop the strength to keep on going when I hit a roadblock.. not just celebrate it as good enough.
I agree with striving to correct our weaknesses, but working in a school has changed the way I think about this topic. More often than not it seems as if the mentality in a school is to point fingers and put students down rather than offer constructive solutions or help. This makes many kids incredibly discouraged (especially those who do have a disability) and actually impedes their performance or causes them to stop trying. Eventually, the student grows up and believs that they are not good at certain things because that is the message that they hear throughout their time in school. I am all for guiding a student and providing an atmosphere for growth, but I do not agree with ever telling a child that because of their weakness they will not get far. I actually think teaching the student to recognize and celebrate their strengths is more useful because they will continue to use what comes naturally to them and build on an inborn skill. That way as they hit roadblocks they recognize what tools and resources they have and can overcome their obstacles. Overall, I really believe encouragement and the correct guidance can make children stronger both academically and emotionally. (I am biased though because I think I am referring more to kids with problems than the regular child in terms of celebrating the weakness bit)
ReplyDeleteI can see your point. I think the right balance needs to be used of positive encouragement and tough love.
ReplyDeleteI remember in third grade, I used to win drawing contests. But I was also terrible with multiplication tables... If my mom encouraged my artistic tendencies and told me I didn't need to learn multiplication since it wasn't my forte, I'd be in a totally different place.
With kids, there are certain foundation skills which are critical. I think it's important to encourage efforts in the right areas even those don't come most naturally to them.
In the realm of kids with issues, I definitely think your points are relevant since they need to take what they have and make the most of it. It's important that they see their strengths and not focus on what makes them different.
I agree 100%- the right balance is positive encouragement and tough love. If there are reasonable limits set, and support and guidance is provided, then the child can learn how to become a competent, confident, and self-reliant adult. I am all for tough love, as it is necessary in the process of growth. It just disheartens when other skills go unnoticed or are ignored because the focus is only on the weaknesses. I think it is very difficult to find the right balance when raising a child.
ReplyDeleteThis is quote is where my heart was at when I wrote this post: “Everyone is born a geniuses but the process of living de-geniuses them”- R. Buckminster Fuller