What it is I do

For most of my adult life, my job has been to criticize the work of men old enough to be my father, and not to hurt their feelings in the process. It's a tough job but somebody has to do it. I used to second guess my abilities, my conscience, the depth of my knowledge, but I've come to realize that experience does not necessarily equate to wisdom. Sometimes, we have the purest heart and conscience when we haven't had the real world experience to contaminate it.

Let's be honest- there are very few men that would idly take criticism from a inexperienced, immature 22 year old tiny girl. I have learned to keep my calm around temper tantrums from grown men trying to aggressively make their quarterly financial results more favorable. Stomping their feet and frantically gesturing no longer intimidate me. But fresh out of college, I was a tad over-zealous, over-confident, and too used to being a big fish in a little pond. I had a reputation for being direct, saying what was on my mind, open to sharp criticism as long as it was valid. For me, I have never been defensive, and it was surprising to me that the clients that I dealt with at work were exactly that- critical of change, stubborn, and unyielding. I used to dish out criticism without any appreciation or regard for the work that they put into their jobs... because I never considered it (my EQ was very low). All I did was take the checklist of steps that I needed to complete, march into their offices, and more or less demand an explanation or documentation. Sometimes, I had no idea what I meant by the questions that I asked. It was a very difficult and unsettling period in my career. I would curse under my breath when they would complain about my incompetency to my supervisors. (If I were in their positions, I probably would have complained as well. I was really lost sometimes. haha)

In hindsight, I'm surprised by how much I've learned about dealing with people from these stubborn old jackasses that I worked with. I remember walking several times into a controller's office, and asking for evidence that he completed controls by checking the box on some checklist, only to be met with yelling and a response only a jerk would give: "DO I HAVE TO DOCUMENT EVERY TIME I PISS?!!" I stared at him with a straight face, and calmly said "No sir, you're missing the point. Just because you talk louder doesn't mean I'll stop asking for documentation." Naturally, I left and proceeded to cry in the bathroom. I used to wonder if every entry level job involved a good cry (multiple cries- I've cried once in every single office that I've worked in during the first 5 years, which in my profession is like 12. Consultants/ auditors are nomads). It was especially tough since I would be arguing with these men twice my age on their turf, in their offices, with the doors shut, and I would return to a stuffy, overloaded conference room with six colleagues and no privacy.

Through tough experiences and thicker skin, I've become a more well rounded person. What I've learned in terms of the major lessons in criticizing people gracefully and without backlash is as follows:

3. Rephrase your requests. Don't sound like a broken record.- Nagging about the same thing over and over again is annoying. Offer examples and alternatives for what you're looking for (much easier once you're more experienced and understand the point of your own requests). (This is good advice for dealing with significant others/ parents as well.)

2. Smile- It's difficult to yell at someone who's cute and smiley. One of the perks of being a girl.

1. Most importantly- Be humble even when you know you're right. Instead of outright criticism, phrase things as a question when you know very well they missed a critical step. "How did you get comfortable with..." "Please help me understand your approach." Say things like - "I see where you're coming from- but." Most of the time, people just want to feel understood, so give them a chance to respond. Then point by point, break it down for them, so that eventually you've proved them wrong in such a calm demeanor, and maybe- just maybe- they were actually listening.

Go home, and realize- I have done my part to change the world today. Rinse. Repeat.

*Disclaimer: I refer to men with disgust in this post. To be fair, it's 90% men that I deal with, and 10% women with lots and lots of testosterone.