A penchant for modern fairytales

I woke up one morning, and realized I fell out of love with love. When you fall out of love, there are always tears, except this time, they rolled down my face and tasted like water. I felt a bland, hollow, kind of emptiness. I stood there in the shower, in shock, knowing my face was crinkled into crying mode, yet there was no release.

I didn't know that such a low could ever exist. What previously held the record low, was similarly crying in the shower after falling out of love with my first love. What was strange was that for a full six months afterwards, nothing I ate had any taste, but a good cry would fill me up. It was a gut wrenching, emotional way to make me feel alive, whereas the rest of time, I would just feel like a zombie.

This feeling was ten times worse. I felt like a crying zombie, and if you've never pictured that before, and you think it's a ridiculous concept, then you know exactly how ridiculous I felt. The trigger for the tears: a failed prospect. Over a span of six weeks, we didn't have many pleasant shared memories, and I couldn't even put my finger on what I liked about him, but it was the failure to extract what seemed like potential that left me defeated. I craved a good cry and I was determined to fix whatever tear duct malfunction had just happened.

That's how I stumbled upon my guilty pleasure. I needed to find something to move me enough to cry. My netflix queue was filled with depressing chick flicks, yet crying after Blue Valentine just made me feel even more depressed. It wasn't the feel good, releasing cry I needed. What I needed was to believe in fairytales again, and that's how I found stillmotion. They are master storytellers who shoot wedding videos and they've encountered some beautiful couples that are 100% love. It's amazing. It's a real-life love story, and it makes me cry salty tears sometimes.


a RED EPIC wedding // janet + josh in the south of France from stillmotion on Vimeo.

My favorite quote:

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is not love- that is just being "in love," which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that have grown toward each other underground and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from the leaves, they find that they are one tree- not two.

[Note: Most of the quote is from a mediocre Nicholas Cage movie, but it's much more memorable in this context. It's so beautiful that I vow to recite this at any future wedding where I have to make a speech.]

Guilty Pleasures...

Who doesn't have a whole slew of guilty pleasures? I have so many that I proudly claim to the point that I no longer feel guilty about them. Let's see, that weekend when I kept the tv set to the Vampire Diaries marathon blew into a full-fledged addiction that I passed along to my former roommate. But those thrilling plot twists of who's evil in which episode and learning to tell the difference between Catherine and Elena have inspired so many nights of hot cocoa, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and smile fries with whatever dip we can scrounge up from the random cheese heels still lingering in the fridge. And I absolutely refuse to explain away my annual spring-time jar Brunette Belgian praline spread from Le Pain Quotidien or my post-Thanksgiving dose of Toffee-ettes from See's.

But my biggest guilty pleasure is my sometimes unfortunate propensity to actualize my daydreams without thinking through the consequences. And I'm not talking about simple daydreams like starting a whoopie pie food truck or coming up with the next Harry Potter or Katniss Everdeen. I'm talking about watching that episode of Gilmore Girls before they backpack through Europe and subsequently dragging my bestie off to Ramsey's for backpacks and then onto a plane to start our adventure in London. Or the time a friend told me about witnessing the first snowfall of the year out on the river during a grueling crew practice, and I convinced the girls that this type of beauty is why we should all join crew too. Or how watching Shaun White at the Olympics made me know that I could also master the halfpipe despite the fact that I'd never gone done even the tiniest of bunny slopes, let alone strapped on a snowboard before. Because I'm not gifted with functioning motor-coordination, the daydreams that appeal to me most are the ones that involve me suddenly having the skills needed to go on super-adventures.

Of course, reality never followed the route that my daydreams had mapped. The European adventure was carried out with a duffle bag because I couldn't lift the backpack. And even when the sales associate hoisted it onto my back, I toppled over. (It provided my bestie some much-needed comic relief.) Then I spent most of our trip paralyzed with fear that every room we slept in was haunted by malevolent spirits (the one night I wasn't scared out of my wits, the bestie had a sitting ghost visit). As for the great adventure of joining the crew team, the brutal winter training might have made me the most fit that I've ever been, but I still wasn't strong enough not to groan every time we had to heft the boat over our heads--let alone enough muscle to really pull an oar. And the snowboarding pipedream? After my last trip my legs were covered in so many black and blue bruises that it looked like I had leggings on. But I haven't completely given up hope. I think that time has just taught me that maybe instead of just jumping into a daydream-come-true, it might behoove me to do a little prep work beforehand.

For example, I've had a yearning to wander freely through South America every since the first time I watched The Motorcycle Diaries. And the opportunity did arise when a friend asked if I'd like to backpack through several South American countries for six months with her. While every part of me wanted to buy that plane ticket, something held me back. I told myself that maybe I should think this one through (since I had just made another crazy, spontaneous decision a week ago), and instead avidly read every one of my friend's emails to us documenting her trip, sighing every time I clicked open photos of amazing mountaintop vistas. And now, some years later, I'm finally heading down there! Not for six months, but we're all set for a week-long jaunt down to do the Incan trail at Machu Picchu in a few months. Which I realize is a far, far cry from my original daydream, but I think I may be able to handle this trip better than the one I had intended. But I've consulted all of the friends who've already gone through this particular rite of passage and taken copious notes on both the pros and cons. Like how Day Two of the trail will end up feeling torturous (One highly athletic friend spent a good half hour rehashing how difficult it was to put one foot in front of the other at that point), or how the showers are even more grimy than the hikers are at that point (Pack Wet Wipes! Tons of them!), or how it isn't cheating to hire a porter (Lifesavers!). Trust me, this time I'll be prepared (well, more prepared) when this particular daydream turns out to have a few more thorns than originally suspected.

And then... Morocco... Casablanca...

-I

New Beginnings

So I recently started a new job (right around the corner from Thanksgiving? how appropriate..:)) I have been looking for a job for the past couple months so I am feeling extra thankful right now. In fact, last night as I went to bed I had trouble falling asleep just thinking about going to work and felt a big rush of excitement.

I am curious and eager to learn from this new experience and am looking forward to meeting lots of new people. This is a short-term job placement and part of my job consists of me traveling to other sites doing psycho-educational evaluations on students who are severely handicapped. Although I know how much work I have ahead of me, I am motivated and grateful at the opportunity to do this work. I am grateful that I get to do something that I am passionate about. I am also excited because I know I will be doing things I haven't done before and therefore there are new opportunities to learn. I am happy for the chance to learn and grow.

Since I graduated in May 2010, I have had trouble finding a permanent position in a school district. I have now worked at three different short-term placements and each placement has been challenging in its own ways. The past year and a half has not been easy to say the least but I really believe it has helped me to become more proficient in my career. I haven't had the luxury to get comfortable or lazy and because of this I am better able to adapt. I truly believe that each experience has been a stepping stone and is leading me to where I want to be professionally. As I start this new job, I am ready to be challenged and look forward to working hard because I know I can only benefit from the experience. I want to be great at what I do and I welcome any challenge that will help me to advance in my career.

With that said, wish me luck!!!! Cheers to work ....and to a busy but enriching holiday season! :)

-Ayda

"From the withered tree, a flower blooms." - Zen Proverb